Joke thread

[shezz]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said.


"Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is


a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied,


"I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns
together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something.


We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

************************************************** *

[Pete27]

PMSL at the last one......:D :D :D

[shezz]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A WOMAN!!

“I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE
THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING
HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL

"YES, YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY,
DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BIT** ASKED,………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………………………. .



……………………………………………..



……………………………………………….



"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[timebase]

Good ones, Shezz...:)
I do have a tape with the lottery joke on told by Bernard Manning...he's a funny f..ella...
The nuns, eye test and dentist are very good.

[madhatter1]

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m50/1andonlymadhatter/tarzan.jpg

[celticqueen]

Prince Charles was at a posh reception wearing full evening dress and medals but on his head he wore a battered , mangy old fox fur hat.Everyone there noticed, but because he was who he was no one dared to query it. Eventually Camilla leaned over and said " Charles darling, why are you wearing that ridiculous hat ?" Charles replied "Mummy told me to ". Camilla says "what on earth do you mean" ."Well says Charles, this morning when I came down to breakfast mummy said "what engagements do you have for today Charles? , I replied that this morning there is a meeting with the ecology group, then lunch with the talking to plants society, then this evening I attend a reception in Little Chissington, and mummy said "Little Chissington, ?? wear the fox hat "(or words to that effect.)

[BridalStudio]

Old guy in hospital for routine checks, asbsolutely busting for a tinkle, but the loo is engaged..
the nurse seeing his demise says,, Oh, just use the ladies, but PLEASE NO NOT touch the buttons on the wall..
After promising faithfully, he practically dives into the cubicle & the relief was immense...
Anyway, as you do you start to let your eyes wander around & where do they land..On the buttons of course..
Each of the four button is labelled.. SWW, SWA, SPP, STR..
He had promised, but was really intriged, afterall pushing just one button wouldn't create havock, would it?
His finger twitched & shot out to press SWW..What a wonderful experience..A soft warm water wash soothed his flesh...
Thinking, this was just the ticket, decided to press the next button SWA..Oh Wow! Soothing warm air flowed around the right parts...he wasn't deterred in fact this had spurred him on...SPP was the next stop...Even better! a wonderfully soft powder puff worked its magic...
He couldn't wait for the finale. STR, he was soooo excited when he pressed it ...
The next thing he remembers was opening his eyes to see a nurse bending over him...
What's happened? The nurse replied saying, I told you not to touch those buttons...but! he replied it was a wonderful experience, then on the last one I don't remember anything...
That would probably because you pressed STR ... Superior Tampon Remover...To which she added. Your penis is under your pillow....

[liverdodo]

Symptoms of being over a certain age..............................

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush". (worst still
you don't go to the clubs)


2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going
clubbing the night before.


3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / dancer
and start dreaming of having a son/daughter who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the
property section.


5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.


6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to
park.


7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.


8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.


9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out
of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.


11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need
to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.


12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a
Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.


14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a
really nice half-bottle of house red.


15. You always have enough milk in.


16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the
mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.


17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's
TimeTeam with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also
appeals.


18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.


22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and
"Not in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine
has some really interesting guests on!


24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the
bus, you tut at rowdy school children.


25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.


26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me"


27. You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends

[damian_steele]

Symptoms of being over a certain age...

....

27. You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends

Just adding it to my mailing list right now. :p

It's all true, you know!

[maggiethecat]

22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and
"Not in my day...."

I remember when there were only 3. :(

[QCPOTS]

the first lottery was won by an Irish man, reps from the lottery went to his home to give him the good news,

when he opened the door,he welcomed them in,
the rep started by saying, We have good news ,,and bad news, for you,

give my the good news first he said,

well you have won 6.5 millions on the lottery
and he went totally ott,

now the bad news,

we cant pay the full amount out straight away, it will have to be in two equel parts,

halve now, and the other halve next week,

he stood and thought for a minute,

then said.
stuff that for a game of soldiers,

-------

-----


---

--


give me my pound back,

[Anichka54]

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane
asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen!
Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious
person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting
"Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging
beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates?
Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt
off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the
fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one
a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to
kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in,
someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the
asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" :)

[liverdodo]

Test QuestionYou are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

[bluebedouin]

A cop is driving past a pub after closing time and notices two motor bikes parked outside, he decides to check the back of the pub only to find two bikers , one has his fingers up the other guys b*tt.
"Whats going on here?" he asks
The biker replies "My mates had too much to drink and i'm trying to make him sick."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat."
The biker replies "Thats just what i'm going to do next."

[shezz]

A cop is driving past a pub after closing time and notices two motor bikes parked outside, he decides to check the back of the pub only to find two bikers , one has his fingers up the other guys b*tt.
"Whats going on here?" he asks
The biker replies "My mates had too much to drink and i'm trying to make him sick."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat."
The biker replies "Thats just what i'm going to do next."


ewwwwwwwww...........pmsl

[becks75]

http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g102/betsyboo_bucket/Alovinghusbandnew.jpg

[shabbird]

LOL at some of this

what do you call shezz's convertible car









.








a skip http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a19/freeTheInternet/Smiley/x-Small/runAway.gif

[becks75]

LOL at some of this

what do you call shezz's convertible car









.








a skip http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a19/freeTheInternet/Smiley/x-Small/runAway.gif
Oooooo your asking for trouble tiger:eek:

[becks75]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already...

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

in the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?!"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy
says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How
much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard
now.......

[shabbird]

Oooooo your asking for trouble tiger:eek:

that aussie chick doesnt scare me.. :p :p

[liverdodo]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil...
"Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
************************************************** **************************

[Fossy]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."


It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back.." He
goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps
into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service will be held on Friday.

[Fossy]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death
with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes
of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?


Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

[Anichka54]

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that
out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work
40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink
alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your
last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions;
central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then,
you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case. :D

[emma5721]

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i65/jswallpaper/logo.jpg


:D

[Anichka54]

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i65/jswallpaper/logo.jpg


:D

That's certainly the best joke on here, or it would be funny if it wasn't so absurd. :D

[emma5721]

more like all the double red lines in london lol

[its-me-2-u]

Good ones, Shezz...:)
I do have a tape with the lottery joke on told by Bernard Manning...he's a funny f..ella...
The nuns, eye test and dentist are very good.

Realy brigtened up my afternoon,Still cant stop layghing lol.

[its-me-2-u]

Im new to ebid & just finding my way round,these jokes are brill keep em comming lol

[Anichka54]

Im new to ebid & just finding my way round,these jokes are brill keep em comming lol

Hi,

Welcome, there are some other good joke threads if you want to do a search for them.

If you have any good jokes yourself please share them. :)

[BridalStudio]

This really did amuse me...Thought some of you may find it funny....

??????????????????????????????????????????
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hi, Eric!"