I AM SO ANGRY! and CONFUSED

[Rednosty]

My Sister in Law died (Not close) and it has brought home (again) Just what my immediate family is like!. Dad Died in 1985 which left Mum on her own. Well she was fine upto 1998 when she had a stroke (She Lived in Nottingham at the time as did most of her children (4 Girls and 1 Brother and Me (Who lives in South London). One day I visted her (which used to be About 4 times a year) and she says to me "I see more of you and my Sister (Who also lives in South London) then I do of any of the rest of them! (Says it all) So in 2000 we decided to move her to London (As shes now in a wheelchair and cant do much at all). So Last night I was considering going to the funeral of my Sis in law, and then I worked it out, My Stupid bloody family have seen Mum (Who sits there day after day with nothing really going on waiting to die :( ) The Nottingham Mob with all there excuses (oh we have no money for regular visits Oh I dont like to see Mum in that state) Have on average visted her about 5-7 times in 23 years! (Usually when it looks like shes going to die) Thats a visit on average every 3-4 Years....:mad::confused:

All this going on with and I have my Adam to contend with and when she goes I will be arranging the funeral....I feel Like Sod em I wont even tell them when she dies and there will be no wake......

Let em find out in 5 years time....

[DanTheMan3]

I am not going into details but i know how you feel.
.

[Huddylion]

Familys :(

[wizbooks]

I can understand your frustration. On the other hand life can get in the way. We are bad for visiting family, partly due to money, partly as I hate car travelling and they all live a fair distance away, but mainly that there is not enough hours in the day. We do frequently speak to them on the phone or have contact via emails.

[tonyreddevil]

Very sorry to hear this.
My kind thoughts are with you all the way.
Keep focused positively if you can.
You are so right.
Tony

[SalusLibrorum]

Don't tell them, if they're not in regular contact they obviously don't want to know.

I've given up with my family (there were 5 in my father's family, 5 in my mother's) there is only one, my half sister, in the entire family who has maintained contact, and only two (including my half sister) left who stay in contact with my mother. They just aren't part of my life, and will not be told when anything significant happens, I suggest you do the same and forget about them. I suppose it's a bit sad, but I don't really consider I've got a family, and consequently they cause me no stress whatever :).

[heatemyfather]

On the other hand, has your mother made much of an effort to keep in touch with them? Letters, telephone calls, facebook, etc. It's very easy to maintain contact, even if you have to force it by phoning them or imposing yourself on their social networking sites or email. If they never answer the phone or respond to emails or letters, then just write them out of the will!

[minx41]

There's a very true saying, you can pick your friends but not your family. Sorry to here about your proubles at least your mum has you and your sister, big hug for you both.
http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n23/minx41/Smilies/a_big_hug_4_u.jpg (http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n23/minx41/Smilies/?action=view&current=a_big_hug_4_u.jpg)

[starlady22]

Sadly there are a lot of families in a similar boat as yours, mine included (although not quite as bad as yours)
Why people so selfish & uncaring i don't know.

Jane

[shezz]

I can understand your frustration. On the other hand life can get in the way. We are bad for visiting family, partly due to money, partly as I hate car travelling and they all live a fair distance away, but mainly that there is not enough hours in the day. We do frequently speak to them on the phone or have contact via emails.


I agree with Wiz, think it is the way that life is now, all of us always seem to be busy and before we know it, yet another week/month has gone past, I am exactly the same and i think so are 99% of people on here if they were to be honest, ok we do seem to put our selves out more for some friends more then we do own family.


Red you obviously don't go up there to visit them either, or take your mum to visit, dont you think that your mum would like that, so it seems it does work both way's

I don't see most my family till there is a funeral, and it is always the same, we get on great when we see each other (if that's the right words to be said for a funeral) and we always vow to keep in touch AGAIN

but do we, nah it reverts back to our lives as we live it

Red It's not fair imo that you should keep your family unaware of when your mum dies, do you think that is what she would of wanted, as these are your feelings, not your mums.

[starlady22]

I agree with Wiz, think it is the way that life is now, all of us always seem to be busy and before we know it, yet another week/month has gone past, I am exactly the same and i think so are 99% of people on here if they were to be honest, ok we do seem to put our selves out more for some friends more then we do own family.


I don't see most my family till there is a funeral, and it is always the same, we get on great when we see each other (if that's the right words to be said for a funeral) and we always vow to keep in touch AGAIN

but do we, nah it reverts back to our lives as we live it

.

I must be the exception. My mum lives in southampton & i live in london (surrey), and since my dad died in 2000. i go get her at least once a month, and she stays with me for a week, and then we take her home, she spends every xmas with me & other special occassions. She doesn't drive, and it's a pain having to drive up there and back, but if i don't do it my sister certainly won't, she goes to visit her when it suits her. My sister lives not too far from me, but i hardly see her, only at funerals, special occasions etc, but that's not my choice, it's hers. As for my cousins etc, again we only see each other at funerals.

[BabsnRay]

Sadly nowadays that is the way of the world in general. We are all full of good intentions of keeping in touch with family and friends that live away from us, but, sadly do tend to neglect them. It is only at weddings and funerals that we meet up.

I can really understand your predicament though - in that it is extrememly difficult for you to travel from one end of the country to another with a disabled mum and son, and the onus of visiting and keeping in touch via personal visits would naturally fall on them as they would appear to be more 'mobile', and with the technology that we have keeping in touch nowadays is easier than ever with the progress made in phones or emails. Although something as simple as the lack of contact details, can put a downer on this one.

Luckily for me, I do not come from a large family and those I haven't buried, I've disowned - and Ray is in the same boat - so my life is non too complicated, and should anything happen to me or Ray that 'relatives' should be made aware of, then it is only close friends that will be made awre of it. Anyone else can read it in the paper easily enough if they've a mind to.

[Rednosty]

On the other hand, has your mother made much of an effort to keep in touch with them? Letters, telephone calls, facebook, etc. It's very easy to maintain contact, even if you have to force it by phoning them or imposing yourself on their social networking sites or email. If they never answer the phone or respond to emails or letters, then just write them out of the will!

She cant Shes in a wheel chair Paralized down one side and very frail No way could she travel anywhere. And really struggles to speak. So the only way is for People to VISIT her and yes its depressing but Hell its still My MUM

[SalusLibrorum]

Yes, she's your mum, but really there's no point stressing over the lack of contact from the rest of the family, just ignore them, they're not worth it.

I've discovered that it's best to just consign people like that to history and move forward. If they want to get in contact, they know where you and your mum are, if they don't, well, they weren't a part of your everyday life anyway, so no change there.

As for your mum sitting around with nothing to do, have you been in touch with charities like Age Concern and Help the Aged? They can send out people to visit, collect old people to take them to day centres where they get to meet other people and can generally save the day when it comes to getting older and disabled people out and about. Her being paralysed and disabled and in a wheelchair shouldn't be too much of a barrier to them being able to take her out.

[starlady22]

Yes, she's your mum, but really there's no point stressing over the lack of contact from the rest of the family, just ignore them, they're not worth it.

I've discovered that it's best to just consign people like that to history and move forward. If they want to get in contact, they know where you and your mum are, if they don't, well, they weren't a part of your everyday life anyway, so no change there.

As for your mum sitting around with nothing to do, have you been in touch with charities like Age Concern and Help the Aged? They can send out people to visit, collect old people to take them to day centres where they get to meet other people and can generally save the day when it comes to getting older and disabled people out and about. Her being paralysed and disabled and in a wheelchair shouldn't be too much of a barrier to them being able to take her out.


I agree. My friends mum is in her eighties, and can't get about anymore, but she has a green van pick her up most days, and has done for years, that takes her to a day centre, where she has dinner, and gets to chat to other people, and she loves going.

Jane

[raindropsies]

Sadly some people are too wrapped up in their own world, and deny the sad / bad things that are in their life.
I don't have any contact with my mum or dad, nor do I want any with my dad (yes I might want a little with mum but cannot trace her)
Sadly family is given to us, and there is not much we can do about our families, you either get on or you don't. Family arguments etc are the worse sort, as the longer they go on, the worse the situation seems to be.

[brishada]

Mmmmm…families! You can choose your friends…but you’re born/marry into families…

That’s all I’m gonna say on the subject.

At least your Mum has SOMEONE who cares about her…

Blessings
Sharon

[Rednosty]

Yes, she's your mum, but really there's no point stressing over the lack of contact from the rest of the family, just ignore them, they're not worth it.

I've discovered that it's best to just consign people like that to history and move forward. If they want to get in contact, they know where you and your mum are, if they don't, well, they weren't a part of your everyday life anyway, so no change there.

As for your mum sitting around with nothing to do, have you been in touch with charities like Age Concern and Help the Aged? They can send out people to visit, collect old people to take them to day centres where they get to meet other people and can generally save the day when it comes to getting older and disabled people out and about. Her being paralysed and disabled and in a wheelchair shouldn't be too much of a barrier to them being able to take her out.


Shes in a Nursing Home!

[UniquenMornique]

This is very common red hugs to you & your family.
Your mother being in a nursing home is ok, but they don't have a lot of time to spend with the people who live there to socialise.
Many depend on volunteers to help with this.
As for your dilema you have to do what you think is right for you & your family.:)

[TexasAda]

Unless your mother did something truly horrible to your siblings when they were little, I think they should get a figurative kick in the pants for ignoring her. They must know your situation with your son, her present frail condition, and their own lack of effort if they have any honesty. They could at least send her postal mail now and then. She put herself out much more than that when they were little and helpless!

I would be tempted to send THEM some mail and ask them why they are ignoring reality. If it angers them, oh well. They can't be much more out of reach than they are already.

[canuckbid]

Mmmmm…families! You can choose your friends…but you’re born/marry into families…

That’s all I’m gonna say on the subject.

At least your Mum has SOMEONE who cares about her…

Blessings
Sharon


I think the same also and remember some words from Grandpa (a Wise English gentleman on mom's side) that 2 wrongs don't equal a right.

[JerseyDevil]

Bah. You can't choose your relatives but you can ignore them....

[MrsBentley]

im sorry for your loss; and i also understand that situation all too well. Families suck sometimes

[JerseyDevil]

The last family funeral I attended was my first cousin's. 2 years ago. A big family crowd gathered. Just to make sure he was dead. Then it dispersed.

[wyocowgirl1]

My sympathies to you Red! I took care of my Mom and Dad for the last 2 years of their lives and it's quite a shock to realize how frail we become. I didn't want to let my sister know about my Dad's funeral, but my cousin talked me into it. Last year her son died and did she contact me? No. I was also sorry I had her at the funeral as she didn't act respectfully. Long story, don't get me started, you'll be bored and sorry. Good luck with everything, Red.

[Booksandstuff]

Red,
I understand your feelings - been there myself.
However, when the worst happens, I do think they do all need to be informed and if they do choose to come down to the funeral, you'll have to put up with it/them.
I've had issues about both my MIL and FIL, when they were frail and finally passed away. I was living an hours drive from them and my SIL less then 5 mins. Yet it was me who was going over twice a week (weekdays) and OH and me together one day of the weekend to look after/clean/shop, etc for them.
Needless to say that my relationship with my SIL is very cool indeed (and I used to get on really well with her!!).

[Rednosty]

I think part of the problem with Mum as she is is she has Nothing As they Have already milked anything from her when she had her first stroke (At the time I was in spain!).Therefore theres nothing left to grab......BTW I got absolutly nothing..And I want only memories.

[brishada]

I think part of the problem with Mum as she is is she has Nothing As they Have already milked anything from her when she had her first stroke (At the time I was in spain!).Therefore theres nothing left to grab......BTW I got absolutly nothing..And I want only memories.

Yeah but Red, you got the most important stuff…the memories, they will be with you forever!

Blessings
Sharon

[Booksandstuff]

I think part of the problem with Mum as she is is she has Nothing As they Have already milked anything from her when she had her first stroke (At the time I was in spain!).Therefore theres nothing left to grab......BTW I got absolutly nothing..And I want only memories.
Red, although a little windfall is nice - at the end of the day it's your mum and you memories of your times with her (good and bad) that count.
I've seen the "milking dry" first hand as well - although not family. Ex neighbours - I was absolutely outraged at the going ons there!

[redmerlin777]

(((((((((((((((Nosty)))))))))))))

Family members can be so hurtful. But I always insist that "what goes round comes round"

Bless you and yours and at least you have done what you know is right and the best.

XXXXXXXX

[Rednosty]

(((((((((((((((Nosty)))))))))))))

Family members can be so hurtful. But I always insist that "what goes round comes round"

Bless you and yours and at least you have done what you know is right and the best.

XXXXXXXX

My sentiments exactly! Today I have woken up with the fact in my head that "whats the point" its simple really they have no Love.

Yesterday I shamed them on Facebook. Put out a message that I was confused by the lack of visits for THERE MUm. Answers we're from one sister "I agree why cant they!" Erm Sis your one of the ones that don't visit enough (She comes about once a year) and from a niece who said I'm 25 and I ve seen Grandma more then 7 times (Erm no you haven't shes been in London for 7 years and NO visits!..and I ahve family committments! I told her was she waiting for Grandma to Die for the next visit. To which she answered I'm going bloody hit you when I see you. Says it all..........The truth Hurts!

Sod em People are right You can't choose family! Well I can choose to ignore

[playtowin]

My sentiments exactly! Today I have woken up with the fact in my head that "whats the point" its simple really they have no Love.

Yesterday I shamed them on Facebook. Put out a message that I was confused by the lack of visits for THERE MUm. Answers we're from one sister "I agree why cant they!" Erm Sis your one of the ones that don't visit enough (She comes about once a year) and from a niece who said I'm 25 and I ve seen Grandma more then 7 times (Erm no you haven't shes been in London for 7 years and NO visits!..and I ahve family committments! I told her was she waiting for Grandma to Die for the next visit. To which she answered I'm going bloody hit you when I see you. Says it all..........The truth Hurts!

Sod em People are right You can't choose family! Well I can choose to ignore
dont let them drag you down to their own level- at least if anything does happen to mum- you can hold your head up high. the others will live with their shame.

[cadeaux_de_la_terre]

take pride in yourself for doing the best for your mum that you can hun, sod the rest of them.

I have it the other way round, because I am disabled and alone, I am lucky if I see my family once a year, they are terrified that I will ask them to do something for me!

I have just had a long, 10 week period, stuck in bed and in all that time I saw one neighbour twice for a coffee.

If it wasn't for the internet and being able to get my groceries ordered and delivered that way, I would be really up sh*t creek.

My daughter (only child) takes the attitude that she didn't promise to keep me in sickness and in health and its not her fault my husband left me when things got bad.

She is looking for a new house at the moment and I found her a lovely cheap bungalow in Kidsgrove, about 20 mins from me, her comment..."that's no use, I have to be at least 2hrs away from you or you'll be expecting us to visit you every 5 mins".

My grandson is almost 18 now and I asked him to help me get my garden straight to make it more sellable, he was wanting driving lessons so I offered to pay for a course which guaranteed to teach him until he passed (£800) in exchange for his labour, he wouldn't do it.

There's a little thing called "my will" and when it is eventually read, I will be having the last laugh.

I am sure you don't care for your mum for what you can get but at least you will have the satisfaction that you made her last years as comfortable as you possibly could.