st patricks day comedy board

[OrbitsandPieces]

WE ST PATRICKS DAY COMING THOUGHT WE HAVE A COMEDY BOARD FOR OUR IRISH FRIENDS


A drunken MICK collapsed at the party and as he fell he caught his chin on the keyboard of the piano, knocking him spark out. On coming round his wife asked 'Who hit you?'
'I don't know,' said MICK . 'But he had a beautiful set of teeth!'

[phanmale]

hehe!!

[OrbitsandPieces]

'Wasn't it tragic about my brother Michael,' moaned Kelly. 'Women and whiskey killed him.'
'Is that so?' sympathised OToole.




'Yes, he couldn't get either so he hung himself!'

[OrbitsandPieces]

'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Valentines Day ?' asked Paddy.
'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Mick . 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'

[phanmale]

have you got the irish book of jokes there orbits? LOL

[OrbitsandPieces]

arrr be jeasuss u sussed me out

[phanmale]

arrr be jeasuss u sussed me out


hehe - go check out ya pms essex boy! ;)

[ejean9]

The top 10 signs you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:
10. Generic-looking green transit van with darkened windows parked across the road with “I brake for imps” bumper sticker.
9. Every time you stop on the street the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have moved a little closer.
8. All your shoes have been expertly repaired overnight.
7. Green lipstick marks on your bedroom window.
6. Card delivered with a bouquet of 4-leaf clovers.
5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically-correct lawn gnome.
4. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Black is the Colour.”
3. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
2. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”
And the number one sign that you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s.

[ejean9]

Why does Irish chilli have only 239 beans?





Because if it had one more, it’d be too farty. :D

[ladynuttiepig]

why do you have beef with irish :p

[OrbitsandPieces]

keep them coming lol

[ejean9]

One day a woman who owned a pet duck awoke to find her beloved animal lying still upon the floor. Deeply concerned, she rushed him to the local veterinarian, who was known to be a grumpy and contrary Irishman.
The vet asked her to put her duck upon the examination table and prodded the waterfowl a few times with a biro. Nothing happened. Turning to the woman, he announced,
“Missus, your duck is dead. That’s gonna be 20 euro.”
Well, she became very upset upon hearing this and cried, “Surely it can’t be true! Isn’t there something else you can try - he just can’t be dead! Can I have a second opinion?”
At that the vet gave a sharp whistle and a black labrador retriever bounded into the room.
The dog approached the table, sniffed the duck a few times and then retreated, backwards, to the corner where he lay down and put his paws over his head.
“Now do you believe me?” the vet said to her again, “Your duck is dead.”
“What was that?!” she cried, “You call that a proper examination? I demand you give him a proper examination!”
The vet then made a “whshhh! Whshhhh!” sound and a cat entered the room. He leaped onto the table with the duck and carefully walked all around it, peering at it intently from all angles. Then he leapt to the floor, retreated next to the labrador and lay down, also putting its paws over its head.
“Well!” said the vet, “I think we can safely conclude that your duck is, indeed, dead.”
“You’re insane,” replied the woman. “I’m taking my duck and going to another veterinarian. Now, how much do I owe you again?”
“One hundred and forty euro,” replied the vet. The woman was shocked.
“Just a minute ago you said it was just twenty euro!” she cried.






“Yes,” replied the vet, “but since then we’ve had a cat scan and a lab report.”

[ejean9]

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN CORK TOO LONG
1. You say “I’m Grand, like” all the time.
2. You think Murphy’s is ’savage’.
3. You think of Murphy’s as if it is the sixth food group.
4. You say “Are you Grand?” all the time.
5. You say “Tis grand, like?” all the time.
6. You say “That’d be grand, like” all the time.
7. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
8. You don’t eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.
9. You say “Your man” followed by ‘boiy’ all the time.
10. You say “Your woman” followed by ‘boiy’ all the time.
11. You say “Tis grand that your man asked if i’m grand, like, boiy” all the time.
12. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone’s mammy.
13. You talk about ‘dinners’ and ‘mammys’.

[ejean9]

The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.
'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'
'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

[OrbitsandPieces]

'How much is the bus fare to Dublin?' asked Cassidy.
'Sixty pence,' said the driver.
I've only fifty,' said Cassidy. I'll run after the bus for a bit.'
Having sprinted two stops, Cassidy breathlessly asked, 'How much is it now?'
'Seventy-five pence,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.'

[klj]

Irish Yoga

http://servekrishna.net/images/static/kurma/IrishYoga.jpg

[Fossy]

Then there was the woman who swam half way across the Irish Sea before she realised a 12" Murphy was a portable TV.

[Fossy]

Paddy and Murphy were walking past a police station and there was a notice outside saying "Tree Fellers Wanted For Indecent Exposure".
Paddy looked at Murphy "That looks like a good job, pity der's only de two of us"

[OrbitsandPieces]

Policeman to irish woman " When did you relise you had been sexually assorted madam "

Irishwoman ..........."When the cheque bounced "