Okay I always Try to be Cheerful on here

[smiffy49er]

but tonight I need a joke or something to make me smile:(

I have had the day from hell and the horizon isn't looking much brighter.

So make me smile please.
Thanks

[ejean9]

Ok then..how about this one....

[DanTheMan3]

Have a hug from me and cheer up.
http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn3/dan-the-man6/salt.jpg

Dan..
.

[ejean9]

your mamma is so stupid...she ate her food stamps

[ejean9]

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't f*** around at these crematoriums you
know.

[smiffy49er]

ok you raised a laugh. Thank you

[ejean9]

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

[sleekpony]

aww (((hugs))) Smiffy, hope things get sorted soon

[ejean9]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks.

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a cold.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one
of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mommy came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mommy waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then Mommy says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can
reach to get water is the toilet?'

[smiffy49er]

aww (((hugs))) Smiffy, hope things get sorted soon

Thanks Sleek

They will get sorted but the outcome will not be good me thinks

[sleekpony]

Thanks Sleek

They will get sorted but the outcome will not be good me thinks

sometimes the outcome never is Smiffy we just have to learn to roll with it

I'm very good at rolling :rolleyes:

[ejean9]

A crowd had gathered around a hooker and they were about to stone her.Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really **** me off."

[sleekpony]

lol Jean where are you getting these from so quickly

[ejean9]

top o me head Sleek...top o me head...

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

LETTER TO THE BANK.......

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my checks
is returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to you?

Sincerely Yours,

[sleekpony]

:D :D

I can never remember jokes

[shelleywelley]

Awww Smiffy, hope things start to look better soon ((hugs))

Lol Jean, some of them are bad :D

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

Not a joke, but always makes me feel better~

Chocolate Mug Cake

1 Coffee Mug
4 tablespoons flour (that's plain flour, not self-rising)
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons baking cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
Small splash of vanilla

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well . Add the egg and mix
thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate
chips (if using) and vanilla, and mix again. Put your mug in the
microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.

The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT! (this
can serve 2 if you want to share!)

Now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at
any time of the day or night.

[ejean9]

Awww Smiffy, hope things start to look better soon ((hugs))

Lol Jean, some of them are bad :D

i know...:D

[smiffy49er]

Now some stupid basket case is letting off blerdy fireworks.

That's all I need grrrrrrrr

[ejean9]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at
the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.



"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[sleekpony]

Does that chocolate cake thing work?

[clockmad]

9229

[sleekpony]

Blimey Clock that was scary

[clockmad]

Blimey Clock that was scary

Ooops :D

[ejean9]

admit it clock..you have had your teeth whitened...

[DanTheMan3]

Now some stupid basket case is letting off blerdy fireworks.

That's all I need grrrrrrrr


Sorry
.http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn3/dan-the-man6/fireworks.jpg

[sleekpony]

Sorry
.http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn3/dan-the-man6/fireworks.jpg


that's the sort of fireworks I like lol

ones that don't scare my dogs

[sleekpony]

admit it clock..you have had your teeth whitened...



aaah so that's what it is :D

[DanTheMan3]

admit it clock..you have had your teeth whitened...


He has discovered 'Pepsodent'.
.

[clockmad]

admit it clock..you have had your teeth whitened...

Nah

Steredent :D

[sleekpony]

Nah

Steredent :D

Well don't go too close to Smiffy and smile :eek:

[clockmad]

Why Not :confused:

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e53/Dugan54/false_teeth.jpg

[sleekpony]

ah well that's ok now

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

Does that chocolate cake thing work?

I've made it three times and it worked each time.:)

[shady-lady-45uk]

i hope ure feeling better......;-( just hollar if ya need an ear to bend you were kind enough to talk to me when i needed it.....hugs.xxxxxx

[sleekpony]

I've made it three times and it worked each time.:)


I will give it a go then :)

sounds a large amount of dry ingredients for a mug, do you need a large one or just a standard size

[redmerlin777]

Smiffy.. hope things get better soon... try this

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese Shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS (http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-2455-Actual-Label-Instructions.html#)

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids (http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-2455-Actual-Label-Instructions.html#)
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish Chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

I will give it a go then :)

sounds a large amount of dry ingredients for a mug, do you need a large one or just a standard size

I use a BIG 1/2 pint snoopy one. More cake then ~:D

[sleekpony]

good thinking :)

[Booksandstuff]

smiffy, whatever the cause is of your current distress - don't give up. Hugs and love and here's hoping to an early solution of your problems.

[BabsnRay]

Sorry to hear you've had a b**** of a day - Not very good with jokes and things like that to cheer you up, but here's 2 hugs that may do the trick.

http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff169/Kar943/hugs.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/funny-pictures-cat-hugs-itself2.jpg

[smiffy49er]

Ok guys Thanks very much but it looks as if I am going to lose my mum.

I thought it would take my mind off it for a bit and thank you all for trying but I guess it was too much to hope for really. I do appreciate it though.

[BabsnRay]

You've just bowled me over with a feather - what dreadful news for you to have at any time of the year - nevermind at what is meant to be a festive time.

I won't pry and ask you to go into details, but if you want to please feel free to pm me at any time.

I can understand the pain that you are feeling -

I lost my mother at when I was 27 through cancer (admitted we weren't close, but, at the end of the day, she was still mother). I nursed her at my home for the last 4 months of her life and she died in the spare bedroom. She was 54. My father died very suddenly at 66 - it was his first and last heart attack. The only consolation I had was that he went the way he wanted to go - to quote him when he'd hear about someone being ill then passing away - 'I'm going to drop like a stone me, not die in me bed'.

So - I can totally understand your pain - mixed in with shock, anger, upset - you probably don't know whether to cry, scream or yell at the world. My message box is open to you anytime - although I sleep between 2 am ish and 9 am ish

[shezz]

Ok guys Thanks very much but it looks as if I am going to lose my mum.

I thought it would take my mind off it for a bit and thank you all for trying but I guess it was too much to hope for really. I do appreciate it though.


So sorry to hear that smiffy:( guess you know that everyone will be here for you

if you need to scream, shout or moan you know where my pm is

[Lush_Designs]

Smiffy so sorry to hear your sad news :(:(

Sending you much love & ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

xxxxx

[phanmale]

Smiffy, I havent known you long but we've had many laughs and giggles at our own expense. I cant imagine you will be in a "jokey" mood for a while, but just letting you know I feel for you right now and just like youve cheered me up on occasions, Id like you to know that Im ready to return the favour whenever you want ;)
xxx

[maplegin]

Smiffy, so sorry to hear your sad news, please feel free to use us if we can help, we are just one big family here always will try & help each other.

[ejean9]

Smiffy...(((hugs)))...you know where we are..pm anytime...

[smiffy49er]

Thank you so much for the hugs and good wishes. It means a lot. I just had a quite nasty question from a prospective buyer( my store is on holiday setting) which has sent me into a deluge of tears so I need to give myself a severe talking to.

Maybe I am being selfish about my mum because she wants to die and I don't want her to.So it is a difficult situation at the moment. I know I will get through it especially with your help so thanks again.

[penny291]

So sad for you, can only send you internet hugs and prayers, can't take away the sadness or pain, so very sorry:(

[XCESSBAGGAGE]

Ditto what others have said, they said it better than I ever could.
If you need someone to rant at or talk to pm me if it helps.

Lost my Dad two years ago this January. Can't say how awful it is, but life has a habit of carrying on anyway.

And he would not of wanted me sitting around and moping.

Easy to say be strong, but sometimes being weak is all you can be.

[victorfrank]

So sorry to hear your sad news. Having been through such a loss, I can appreciate your emotions and feelings. Thoughts are with you.

[phanmale]

Ditto what others have said, they said it better than I ever could.
If you need someone to rant at or talk to pm me if it helps.

Lost my Dad two years ago this January. Can't say how awful it is, but life has a habit of carrying on anyway.

And he would not of wanted me sitting around and moping.

Easy to say be strong, but sometimes being weak is all you can be.

A life lesson I have learned is that you have to go through weaknesses to show yourself how strong you are :)

[clockmad]

Oh Smiffy
Really sorry to hear about your troubles.
We haven't been chatting on here for very long, but you have always seemed to be a pretty cheerful sort and I believe that your more than capable of seeing your way through what may seem like difficult times at the moment.
Keep your chin up gal.

Graham

[meebo1]

This is going to be a difficult time. And allthough a stiff upper lip etc has it's place there is also a time for a good cry.

[buttons-and-bows]

I'm here for ya Smiffy if you need me :)
big hugs and kisses XXXXXXXXXX

[sleekpony]

Sending you love and ((((((hugs)))))) Smiffy and as others have said we are only a PM away if you need us