Rednosty
21st February 2008, 11:07 AM
<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"><FONT color=#3366ff>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
-------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
-------------------
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
--------------------------
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
--------------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
-------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
-------------------
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
--------------------------
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
--------------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to